Permit me to share with you the shape and size of my doom, the phony façade I have crafted, my guilt, my despair, my hesitation to grasp and my need to grasp a hint of happiness and normalcy. Let me begin with the usual shy but strong introduction I have memorized for the endless string of therapists, psychiatrists, and friends I have made in Residential Treatment and group therapy:

“Hello. My name is Jessica and I have an eating disorder.””

For thirteen years Jessica managed to wear the mask of deceit, fooling family and friends into believing she was a normal child, a normal teenager, a normal young adult. Her binging, purging and fasting habits were hidden behind a busy schedule and four years spent living away from home for the duration of her college career. She kept her atrocious body image secret because who the hell wanted to listen to a teenager and young adult bitch and moan about how she felt about her body?

Self mutilation was a sweet release from the pain of living as a tortured soul so wrapped up in the ideals of the female body but insomnia and the roller coaster episodes of bipolar II disorder brought out the worst in her and introduced her to suicidal thoughts which ultimately led her to a suicide attempt at eighteen years old. While she thought her finger had only teased the flame, her entire being had been thrown into the fire.

From mid September to mid October of 2009, Jessica had been introduced the hardest task and rite of passage she had ever faced…

…she had been admitted to Residential Treatment.

She had only herself to blame for turning herself into what she had become. And although she gave it her all to resist treatment and recovery there was only one thing she so desired and that was some sense of normalcy. But she has been worn, embittered, and welcomed into the morbid nature of the world and on cold days…

….it was pretty cozy living in her disturbing little universe.

“An eating disorder is a demon. Because it haunts you. And you believe in it and you think it is normal. But it isn’t. And people will tell you that these things you are seeing and feeling aren’t normal. These things you believe in are torturing you, sending you to madness, and they slowly kill you. And when the heart of your sanity stops beating, this demon drags you straight to Hell and nothing can save you. You should have exorcised that demon. Or at least repented because once you go in as deep as I have, there is nothing in this world that will keep you from falling deeper.”